There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
