Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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