the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
