I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
