you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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