just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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