just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
