I am puke
Girls should come with a carfax report
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This is the high leading the old right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
