And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Come on in and take your pants off
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