so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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