I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
