I love black thongs
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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