he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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