True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
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There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The adults are the big ones right?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
