just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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