i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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