I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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