Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
