Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
