Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
