I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
