Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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