Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
