do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
