the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
