i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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