Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
