I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
