oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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