My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
