if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
