My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize