mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
