im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
