Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
