we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
