the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
