fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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