Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
