drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Vodka?
Forever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
