I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
