An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
