There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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