Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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