i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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