Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
