she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
