ya dads aren't the best wingmen
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
