One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
