I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
