dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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