My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize