I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
