i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the day after is always just damage control
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize