life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
