So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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