You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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