Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
