one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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