Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize