Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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