Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
