I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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