i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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