Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
