so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
