I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
