The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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